Long time since I wrote...Maybe its Hyderabad which inspires me to write...or maybe its the situation I get myself into when I am stationed here...So here I am...in Hyderabad...and its the last night...well I wasnt in a mood to write...but then I dont have anything else to do...So what did I do all these days? I traveled a lot in the past two weeks...Why? The answer...A last minute decision...I almost had made my mind to drop a year and try my luck at some better University in the US which also considers me for some scholarship, but when I started putting things down logically, with figures coming out, I saw it was quite impractical. As confused as I always am, took the ICAS (read International Centre for Applied Sciences) brochure into my hands, went through it, started searching for the email which invited me for admission...and shit...the last date they gave to me was 25th of August, but something told me I could still make, so tried calling them...you know what the toll free numbers which those Manipal people provide you with...they really suck...you just cannot connect, so asked a friend at Manipal to gather some information about the closing dates and procedures...and 11th August it was...so me checked the calendar...3 days in hand...started searching for the routes...Not many options I had...but whatever it was...the worst part was...I had to start on the same day...had to get the draft ready...fuckers they take the full 1st year fee at one go and I guarantee its more than any other engineering college in India...a whopping 300 thousand...add another 100 thousand for the hostel...fools like me pay that amount for a good for nothing college at a good for nothing place...There was almost no time left for reservations...and the route plan...I first needed to board a train to Vishakhapatnam...and another to Bangalore with a two hours difference...then had to kind of spend the day at Bangalore and then move forward to Manipal taking a Bus. My train was at 2300 hours, called the railway enquiry at 2200 hours, the system said that the train was 40 minutes behind the schedule, later I wasnt able to connect to the enquiry as the phone lines and my internet connection were murdered by the heavy rain. I had asked a friend of mine to drop me to the station, I was at the station on time...then I discovered that the train was like 2 hours late...fuck I said...I was going to miss my connecting train, atcha by the way I just had bought a general ticket for this train and was hoping the TTE's co operation, and the connecting train I was put on the wait list...12th on it...as an Indian I am always hopeful, so decided waiting for the train, time was moving like a snail...it was 0100 hours, but the train was nowhere near my town, waited till 0130 and then decided to cancel my connecting ticket, so called up DIDI...asked her to log on to the internet reservation website and cancel the ticket...I was on the phone while She was canceling, at the end...we couldnt cancel it, we came to know that the website was only active till 2300 hours, another disappointment, I didnt bother, but I felt something peculiar with DIDI's voice, asked Her about it and She said that She was quite sick, so sick that She had skipped office, which She rarely does...this statement made my condition even worse, DIDI is unwell...shit...after the call, I was like sitting at the station thinking what to do and then...suddenly...the train arrived...I rushed to the TTE thinking I still had chances, asked him for a reservation in any of the compartments...and the motherfucker denied bluntly, I kept my requests on...there were 3-4 dozen of people who were doing the same, at last, I offered him a thousand bucks bribe to just give me reservation in the Sleeper compartment, you know I was impatient, everything was going the wrong way...and the big news...DIDI was sick...now how could I bear it all at once...and then his denial, shit...checked the General compartment, you know what...people were hanging out of it, couldnt step in...so changed my direction to Home, it was almost 0300 when I reached back, planned another way, needed to take the train for Bhubaneswar at 0600 and then another to Chennai at 2245 hours, tried sleeping, but couldnt, my joints were aching like hell...and then the tension...DIDI's condition, now what to do...the thought of DIDI was making me more gloomy...fought all those feelings and boarded the train to Bhubaneswar, it took some 5 hours to reach Bhubaneswar...Went to an uncle's place, rested for while...yes m not kidding I slept for some hours, but all those thoughts of DIDI being sick just haunted me when I was in senses, had booked the Chennai tickets when I was in the train, Jasjar really helps in such situations; from Bhubaneswar, called up DIDI, came to know Her state had worsened, I almost forgot that I was going to this college, I dont know how but my mind said that I was headed Hyderabad to DIDI, coming out of the virtual world, reached the station on time, the train was lagging....30minutes, it were real 30 minutes, not the railways 30 minutes...so I was in the train by 2320, almost made my mind to head to Hyderabad from Chennai, called up Mummy, she said, it would just take 2 days, then I can go, probably she didnt understand how I was feeling, called up DIDI again, She didnt lift the phone...which indicated that She might have slept...after that I caught some sleep, not long...just for 2 hours, it was dreamless , and then I just woke up, tried sleeping back but couldnt, the temperature inside the compartment was a bit low...a bit uncomfortable even with the blankets, so moved out of it, opened the doors and was just gazing outside, there came some stations, I stepped in and out, then came this one, it seemed quite big...didnt bother to read the name, just had one thing in mind...you all know...so just couldnt think anything else, moved some compartments forward and bought a cup of coffee, asked a TTE who also was buying a cup, when was the train going to leave, he said something in some language, I said sorry...he then said "The train is moving man!", I started running back to my compartment with the train speeding, threw the cup and jumped to the handles of the train...and to my surprise someone had locked the doors, I said...shit...I am going to die now, wont be able to see DIDI...started hitting the heavy doors, but of no use, all this time I was looking sideways, some people on the platform made some indications which I didnt quite understand, after a few seconds, when I looked towards the door, I realized that they were never locked, they were just shut, it was perhaps the weight which made me feel that they were locked, oh, I got in, saved my life. After getting in, I got back to the thoughts and started gazing outside...I think it was 0500, when I went back and slept...the whole day passed quite fast, I dont know how. Reached Chennai at 1730, and my train to Mangalore was at 2015, so had quite some time, had called DIDI, Her conditions didnt improve, She had visited the hospital, throat infection...some anti biotic prescribed, though I didnt feel relieved, I was hoping that She will get back to normal. Called up some friends at Chennai, but we werent able to meet due to the time constraint. I went to Spencer Plaza; it was probably the only place I knew there. While going to the SP, though it wasnt at much distance, I for the first time felt how small Hyderabad was, SP...I tell you it is so confusing, with its size and so so so many stalls, I just cannot locate anything there, bought a few things for DIDI as Raksha Bandhan day, the most special day in the year for me was just a few days ahead, well, I actually dont need reasons to shop for DIDI. Got back to the station, bought some burgers, got into the train...called DIDI, She didnt lift, so called Badi Mummy, she said, the medicines did not work...I was really blank then, restless it made me, I just wanted to be with DIDI at any cost...the following night...obviously...sleepless...not even a single minute of sleep...it again crept. Reached Mangalore the following day at 1130, now Manipal is some 65kms, but the condition of the roads made it a two hours journey, it was raining heavily, when I inquired I came to know that there was this Bus strike, and I just could not move to Manipal before evening, but wasting of that huge chunk of time was something I couldnt afford, even though I had very limited funds, I decided to take a taxi, I had to finish things fast and get to DIDI, She needed support, well called Her, and the reply was a bit positive, some indications of improvement, at least I could breathe now. So I started for Manipal, with heavy rains. Then suddenly the car got its wiper broken mid way...problems after problems...windshield was almost opaque, side windows were the only possible options to look at the road, we were moving very slow, btw the whole route from Mangalore to Manipal is a nature lovers paradise...not my type though. Okay, at last I made it to Manipal by 1500, I was in one piece. First thing I did...book tickets for the first Bus to Bangalore as there was no direct transport to Hyderabad. I really didnt bother if the admissions required one more day, I just couldnt stay, DIDI is more important. But fortunately, my increased speed made it possible on that very day, though some Hostel procedures couldnt get completed. Well let me tell you how the college is...crowd...the best I ever saw...I mean the people were just awesome...in all aspects...campus was good enough...the Hostel which I am going to stay in...I wasnt able to see, time didnt permit, though people said, it would be Asia's highest hostel when completed (some parts were under construction), but a disappointment...no LAN...just the wifi...which really sucks, though you get unmatched connectivity throughout the town, its way too slow. I found that there was a Subway outlet at the food court...to my relief; at least we get green stuff in the 'rain forest'. So boarded the Bus later, called Badi Mummy, asked her about DIDI's condition...she said that DIDI had improved quite a lot, and then she quoted something at the end...one of DIDI's friend was now at DIDI's place to look after Her, it should have made me feel good, but I didnt, I smelt something wrong. Okay, whatever...I caught sleep, then got up mid way...and didnt sleep the rest of the way, there was this new uncomfortable feeling inside me now which was quite similar to the old insecure feeling. Reached Bangalore early in the morning, thinking no one would be awake, didnt call anyone, went to the Railway Station where they have Internet Booths which open early, checked for the trains, all were scheduled for the night, then checked the buses...all at night...finally booked a ticket for a late night train so that I dont reach Hyderabad too early, then called up a friend, who picked me up, went to his place, just didnt do anything...didnt even eat...didnt feel like...called up DIDI, She was quite well now...reminded her that I was reaching the next day, and then I was questioned about the place where I was going to stay, I just got blank, I said...You say...DIDI said her friend had come so a no entry for me...I just couldnt say anything because I just couldnt think...She disconnected, I took some time to realize what situation was it like...And I dont think anyone in this world can even approximate how I felt at that very moment, Blood Pressure really went down, I was feeling as if I will faint anytime. What to do now? Whom to share my feelings with...How can I say these thing to anyone...things which I couldnt say to anyone...I share it with DIDI, She is just everything to me...and when its about her whom to go to, I just couldnt hold it, so called Her again, I asked her please, is it so impossible for me to stay with You, She said you just cannot and said that She was going to the hospital so She couldnt talk now, disconnected again. The feelings I just wasnt able to hold, so I called Badi Mummy, and told her about it(I knew that Badi Mummy knew all these though she acted as if she didnt), you see it was not just Her friend coming to Her place, the thing was, She didnt want me to stay with Her, I know there are reasons, because no one in the world will ask an 8 years younger brother who traveled thousands of miles just for her sake to stay at a hotel just because a friend moved some blocks to look after. Reasons there are many, the lull which I described in the last post, She dosent like anything I do, She thinks I am a bit too Sentimental, Our interests dont meet, tot...my presence and personality is disliked...its unbearable for Her. But whatever, She is not checking me out, She is DIDI, my God, so even if all these problems exist, She should help me improve, but She never does, maybe She has stopped. Anyways, it hurts me more and more, more than anything else in the world...one more thing, She thinks I am a Psycho, because I am so extreme in loving Her, so I also scare Her. Once I felt like just dropping everything, why was I doing all these, I mean going to Hyderabad and stuff, but then the love for DIDI just shadows all other feelings. Sometimes you know, I presume things to be normal but they never are. Finally I came down to Hyderabad, had some works to finish, did all those, DIDI had called me in the evening, so checked into a Guest House near Her place, I was very tight on finances, I just couldnt afford the Guest House, still I had to. Went to see DIDI, I really felt sorry after seeing her, She was in real bad shape, I mean even after improving so much, you just by a glance could have seen how unwell She was, I forgot all my problems, You know when DIDI is around I just forget everything. And DIDI is a real diplomat, She acts as if nothing has happened although She knows how I might be feeling, actually She doesnt care. I didnt stay there for long as I knew She needed rest. I came back to my room and just started crying...it went for long and I dont know when did I sleep. DIDI said that She would meet me after a days gap on 15th, so the next day was very eventless, was in my room for almost the whole day, went out at the night to eat as I planned a fast the next day and the one following it, DIDI was going for a trip on 16th, so She wanted me to get the Rakhi tied on 15th itself. She knows how important Raksha Bandhan is to me; still She plans a trip on the same day...after the sickness. Whatever...15th was one of the most wonderful days, DIDI called me in the morning itself, then asked me to break the fast as She doesnt like it, I felt bad, but still, it were DIDI's words so I had to comply. We spent a very good time together, at the end of the day, I asked DIDI if She was leaving the next day, why not get the Rakhi tied the next day...early in the morning...She just rejected, I didnt quite understand what the problem was, I would have felt a bit better, but well who cares, Everyone wants to hurt me more and more, DIDI just rejects all my appeals. After leaving I texted Her to leave the keys with the guard so that I can be at home (Her friend had left a long back), She didnt reply. I called Her a couple of times on 16th, but She didnt pick up, so I texted that we should at least talk on Rakha Bandhan Day, then called and She lifted, asked her about the Health and then about the keys, She was quite well and said that She had forgot to leave the keys...well...I knew it. She had promised that She would call me on Sunday after returning, so my fast was on...I didnt even drink water, I planned it for 16th but then I thought if DIDI was coming on 17th, why not break it in her presence, I also texted her asking if I could stay with Her on Sunday and Monday...Tuesday was my train so...well...She didnt reply again, I didnt even tell Her about the fast, as She dislikes it. But then when I didnt receive any calls from Her till 8 in the eve, I gave Her a call, Her phone was off, tried many times, it was off, so I called the landline, DIDI picked up...She said that it was not possible for Her to meet me that eve, so why not meet on Monday eve, She didnt even bring my stay to the topic, so I brought it, I asked can I come down, the answer as always was negative...I even said, that You leave according to the plans I will take the keys and will just stay, She said no it was not possible and that I come on Monday, I said it wont make any difference, I will have to pay my hotel bill, She said She will pay for that extra day...now I was numb, after just shown so much disgrace, how can you say anything. I even told her about the fast, I had to, She said I hate stuff like that but you still do it, break it now, so did the same. I came this morning, She promised that She will return early from office but She didnt. That was all of it. I am leaving tomorrow. Perhaps I would never make a good brother, such that even DIDI has some love for me. But I will keep trying. Wrote all these here just because I cannot say it to anyone. There is no other reason (DIDI, If You read, its the only reason, and yes You have all the rights to think I am a Psycho, but I will always deny it). And I am sorry if I, at some point of time, made you feel that I have evolved.
